illusions of the other

too much time into others

you know my grandmother died

part of life

the way today went i think i hang or talk to people too much i think more people should probably socialize i think i need less of it or something -

my daughter is really really full grown she looks like a little woman more then i ever can ever

express and she is like going to go through puberty soon not sure

not sure if its even good for me to keep living out my dating fantasies or should i jsut be a semen rentention old man because i never know what anyone is going to do

just like i never know if some girl is going to flit off and suck some dudes dick behind my back while i just seem to be dealing with alot you know and its weird like would today have gone the way it would have if i simply didnt talk to people

because the other thing is this blog is really about getting better at typing and just doing a lot of writing LIKE alot of writing and then the other parts are like A great deal of reading it sort of is like some sort of training camp for me in alot of ways like i dont get how no one here feels the existential pressure to not type stuff and maybe they are not sentient and their real job is making bagels so they cant make heady substack post on the clock -

really just getting this over all feeling of dread about the whole people around me deal sometimes i am just like why do you bother hitting me up you come within 30 min of me and i cant see you but i drive an hour to see you or more and like this shit just is not ok man like wtf then how am i supposed to have a mindset of growth with these as my options ya know

just gotta dig deeper and it does beg the question you know i think most of these things on here are dog shit but like how does one focus the energy of like there life into writing and it not be about themselves. o a theme. this theme seems to be present in a lot of the subjects i keep coming to

its really the loss of the self is the good stuff - you know your reddit posting is really surface level like amiuglybrutalyhonest or wallstreeetbets but they never show like an actual SPX tenbagger they write on substack but they dont write so much they think everyone is pretending but they are actually pretendijng

but again how does one get into the zone where writing is like this excersise that is stress releiving and not some myopic show peice of their life not that their life doesnt matter but to make writing like some sort of conclave if you will like a centriufuge of idk spirit and expresssion to make ourselves bigger with character to get past the things that hold us back but then i see a lot of nothing i see a lot of women who only exist through men and their solution when this is presented is to simply ignore problematic men which is sort of hilarious in itself

some things never change but i do see signs will change for me - when im typoing aggressivly in the fall - wearing a northface cross legged banging a laptop this is some venture capital behavior some semen retention behavior

you know that is ironic is i constantly see that women complain that men dont want women as best friends thing is they are jsut so bad about getting back to ppl its like disgusting a little -

i mean again im replaying more and more i see more and more poor people poverty mindsent i have a poverty mindset i need to see the bigger picture what are girls when you cant make 1 milli months if your smart they trades

the trades are literally hedged in a way that if you have enough money you can enter however makes sense does that makes sense like these billioanr dual sitezens cannot keep track of it it allll like jsut one layer of locking in and telliung women to pound sand like omg i jsut want to know what she is uop toi while im waiting i should be talking to someone else or getting a better entry doees that make sense

its. not even quantifiable how feel about things im jus explainijng this all women see is sales at the end or a car they have no idea how you finance this they jsut are like omg wowowowowow