having a super flippant personality

having to manage

the frustration lately of things have really piled on parenting working helping ppl can be pretty thankless if you slip you look worse but like who am i kidding i know these things

anyways

not sure why i even read anything online and i totally get why people talk to AI so much and people are so isolated there really isnt many healthy ways to let the release valve go away in my case anyways but

even if i get left behind after this last episode i will be ok and honestly

this year has cost me so much financially then any other year in my life with extreme sets of challenges that simply mitigating them wont satisfy me

thing is pretty much every person 35 and under unless they have some great relationship/nepo babyism going on they are having a pretty rough go at things

but what i guess i have to watch out for is an argument leads right into

again me holding this emotional bag that i let affect my day and i simply cant do that anymore -

so i guess the focus now will be things like japan and that will not take all that much cash - and thailand by myself maybe

but also i have a huge fear like here is the thing - i mean they are adding medical debt and they are gonna garnish wages and i have some debt and stuff i been putting off and it really has been a shit ton of pressure

like paying for baby sitters because i ran out of vacation time im like this constant vessel of love as a single parent and like it really builds up

i really like the dopamine drinking provides, last week i drank so much i really couldnt stomach a beer before the mall the errands i was running the next day and like it was really horrendous

but this is the thing is like even if i talk to my dad about anything i swear to god im met with my life is so hard im a boomer and her like idk gives me these like puppy eyes like puss n boots in shrek it is fucking weird. hell no can never talk to anyone else about things so they get pent up into these outburst were i remember transgressions that they have done to me in the past which is totally unhealthy

it just makes me a little sour - i feel like i have been putting in a lot of work on self improvement - tons - but now im starting to question where the loyalty of my future lies. since so much of my soul is wrapped up in raising a kid a lone do i really focus all my energy on early retirement. and call it a day.

i really do see everything all the sudden being really transactional and thats not really the person i am - but idk if you go above and beyond and do anything to help ppl escape the trap out here then idk - thats pretty anti gate keeping and just like should be noticed or

we have this way of if you notice your not being notice i swear to god there is like some christian shaming like well you should be nice anyways

i think a lot lately about being a white person. i think a lot about hwo minor changes could change my life. i think a lot about boomers. death. aging. i think a lot about how unbelievably selfish women can be. how they will flip on you in a second and rewrite it. that is literally worse then losing any amount of money.

i know what to do here. thing is deep down i am a lovable person. some people are really unlovable and unattractive. not the issue here. im just a deeply disturbed sensitive old man who has had a lot on his plate for years. no one needs to hear it. good thing no one reads this blog.

everything is so goddam weird. erica kirk. israel. feeling invisible.

so i guess back to making cash

h